Happy Love

I haven't posted in a while, and by that I mean a very, very long while. Before I started to write this post today, I looked back on a few of my previous posts. I have grown immensely in the past two years, even in the past two months, and the girl who wrote those old posts is not the same girl writing today. I considered starting a new blog altogether, but I realized that was not necessary nor was it right. The person I am today is made up of the person I used to be, the experiences I have now, and even the hopes I have for the future. I won't give that up. If my older posts are not the same posts I would write today, it is only a mark of my growth. Besides, I am still the girl who believes. And part of loving yourself includes loving the person you used to be.

That is what I want to write about today. Love. I have learned more about love in the past few months than I have in my whole life put together. I have learned so much that I had to smile reading a few of my old posts, because I wrote about love that I didn't even understand.

There is so much I have learned and so much I could share. I could share how powerful love is, and how real love has the power to shatter every darkness in life. I could share how a fullness of joy cannot really exist unless there is love to support it. I could share how when you choose to love, you must choose to give up doubt and fear. Maybe I'll share this and more in other posts, for love is the real essence of life. But today, I want to share what I have come to understand love to be.

Much of the world has a very self-oriented view of love. There is a rampant belief that love exists to serve the individual. If it doesn't make you happy, it isn't love, and you should let it go. I'm not here to debate on whether or not that is true, but what I do know is that real love isn't focused on the happiness of the one who is loving. When you find real love, it isn't about you anymore.

I was driving, and he was sitting shotgun. We had been dating for a week, and though I had loved every moment of it, I was worried that I would end up having to break it off. I knew this man. I knew how he had loved and lost, and I knew how deeply he cared about the people closest to him. I knew that if I ended up telling him goodbye, it would crush him. We had fallen into a thoughtful silence, and in the quiet I silently begged God to take this man's heart away from me if I was going to end up breaking it, even though I knew that would break mine.

It was that moment that I realized. Cinderella had it all wrong. It was a surprising realization, because I adore Cinderella. But when she sings "So This is Love" as she dances with the prince, I don't think she's quite right. There is certainly magic in starry nights like those, lost in the someone else's arms, but that is not the essence of love. As I realized that I wanted this man to have happiness no matter what, even if it came at the cost of my own, I knew that this was really love.

Love is the greatest contradiction in the world. It turns your thoughts from your own wants and needs to those of someone else, until your focus is their happiness instead of yours. And that brings the greatest happiness of all.

Love does not exist to serve you. It exists to expand your ability to serve others. Love is not meant to be perfect. It is meant to allow you to accept the imperfections of others. Love is not about filling your own needs. It is about finding ways to fill the needs of others. That is real love. And real love means real, lasting joy. They are inseparably connected.

So if you are given the choice, choose love. Not the kind of love you see on television, but real, selfless, good love. I have learned that there is a difference between loving more and loving better, and the world could use a little bit of both. So my challenge to you is to find that real love, the warrior love that fights through weaknesses and doubts and fears and imperfections and problems because it is the strongest thing in the world. That is the love that will make you happier than you ever could have been without it.

"He Doesn't Deserve You"

     This one's for the girls.
     I recently stumbled upon a quote that disturbed me: "If he can't love you for the silly, upbeat, quirky girl that you are, he doesn't deserve you!" I thought about how many times I had seen or heard those four words together - "he doesn't deserve you". I looked it up, and these are only a few of the things I found: "Eventually, one of two things will happen. He will realize you're worth it, or you'll realize that he isn't." A quote by Erica Baican saying, "If he doesn't love you at your worst, he doesn't deserve you at your best." Ultimate breakup advice, such as, "If he doesn't chase you after you walk away, keep walking" and "You say people change, you say they all deserve second chances, but he hurt you.... He isn't everyone, because he doesn't deserve you or a second chance." A few even brought religion into it, such as, "Only God can give you the person that loves Him enough to deserve you." Or even the a nail polish description, "Wear this deep, 'crushed glitter' red when you are feeling particularly out of his league. He doesn't deserve you anyway."
     I'm not saying there is no truth in any of these, but I am saying that they aren't fair, and they are not kind. And yes, in some cases they are completely untrue.
     We've come so far with the feminist movement, but some people - women especially - have come to think esteeming women must mean degrading men. That thought is such a lie, it's sick. The feminist movement is about equality. Fun secret: so are relationships.
     Sayings like the ones I listed above establish the false principle that men are supposed to be the ones to work for the relationship. That if your man doesn't love you all of your faults he is inferior and wrong. That you are generally out of his league - everyone's league. That he should worship the ground you walk on, or he isn't a "real man".
     Ladies, are we really going to allow talk like this to continue? Maybe the guy you want doesn't want you back - that doesn't mean he is a piece of trash! It means he's not right for you. That does not change his worth.
     Can we even comprehend how detrimental this message is to men? It sets up rules for them, rules that supposedly govern their relationships and determine their worth. It turns relationships into fragile glass ornaments, ready to break no matter how you pack them or hang them. "Don't get angry at her, don't insult her, love every last bit of her always, treat her like a princess, or you are worthless. She is always right, she doesn't need to worry, because you are the lesser half of the relationship." Girls, you will never get that constantly out of a relationship, and you shouldn't ask for it. Yes, your man should respect you immensely. Yes, he should love you always. Yes, he should try to be kind in every event. But he will never be perfect, and neither will your relationship. That doesn't mean he doesn't deserve you, or he is less than you, or you should pack your bags and see if he cares enough to go after you.
     Can we even comprehend how detrimental this message is to women? It tells us that we don't have to work for our relationships - that's his job. If he isn't chasing you down when you walk away, you keep walking. You are the princess, you are ultimately deserving. He has to work to be worthy of you. Maybe the words feel nice on your burns, but they won't do any good for your heart.
     Can we even comprehend how detrimental this message is to relationships? We are brainwashed into thinking it's an all and nothing thing - that either he knows you have worth or he doesn't have worth. We are tricked into thinking it's perfect or it's over - he's perfect or he doesn't deserve you. We are taught that relationships should be flawless - in loving each other, in getting along. Please know, nothing could be further from the truth. There will be things you have to take time to accept about him, and vice versa. There will be disagreements, arguments, even. And not everything is his fault. And most importantly, a relationship is a two person deal. You have to meet in the middle.
     What I'm saying is that his worth is infinite - just like yours. Even if it doesn't work out, even if he makes a mistake. There is no deserving. There is working together to work it out, sacrifice and tears and sweat, love, hurting, joy, tolerance, equality, but there is no deserving. Please, girls. Remember that one.

Letter to Me: Happy New Year

Dear Me (and the rest of the world),

       Here comes the New Year. You’ll write resolutions with every good intention, and probably forget them a month later. How could I say something like that, you might ask? I hate to break it to you, dear, but that’s what has happened every year to this point.

       But it’s not going to happen this year, right? Of course right. We are laying down the law. You want to change, and it’s about time it happened.

       That’s not enough, though. It isn’t enough to say you’ll change, to write down those resolutions and tell everyone you’re committed to keeping them. You need to know how you will change, and most importantly you need to know why – why you should change, and why you can.

       See, that’s the important thing to know, the thing I want you to choose to believe. You can. You can do anything; the possibilities are completely limitless. You have let fears or insecurities get in the way before, and I’m here to tell you that’s over. I don’t care how likely it may seem that you can’t, or how many people say you can’t, YOU CAN - no matter what. From now on, the very moment you feel fears or insecurities or excuses rising up, I want you to squash them with those two words: I CAN. I promise you that will always be true, and you had better never forget it. That’s the first thing you need to know if you’re really going to change this New Year’s.

       The second thing you need to keep in mind is what you want most. There are always going to be a lot of things you want, and if you ever want to get anywhere you need to prioritize those wants. Do you want to be comfortable in your body, or do you want to eat two more donuts? Do you want to spend an hour on Pinterest, or spend an hour coming closer to your dreams? Do you want to have a relaxing, carefree night or do you want to finish your homework and get good grades? Maybe there isn’t always a right choice or a wrong choice, but there is almost always a better choice and a worse choice. Dedicate this year to choosing the better. Sometimes it’s hard to give up what you want now, but it’s worth it for what you want most. Remember, “Never give up what you want most for what you want today.” Remember, “What will it do for me? What will it do to me? What will I think of myself after?” When the going gets rough, remember why you keep going. Make the decision right now to always chase what you want most.

      Piggybacking on that thought, make time for what (and who) you love (thank you Becky!). There’s no reason to spend your life any other way.  Your goals for this new year should reflect only what you want most and what you love most. My brother (who has always been an extremely influential person in my life) once told me that to him, the word “want” means you are willing to do anything to get it. I don’t know if I believe that, but I do believe that when you love something or someone, you esteem it over everything else. Because of that, it should be a priority in your life. Drop everything else; if you are doing something that you don’t love and that isn’t bringing you closer to what you want most, you’re doing the wrong thing. Stop it. I think back to the stereotypical Romantic musician. They were usually associated with bad hygiene, a messy house, almost always a horrible hair-do. Why? Their music was most important to them – it was what they loved and what they wanted, and they let everything else fall away. And that’s why you know their names today. That doesn't mean you should stop showering in order to chase your passions, but it does mean you have a choice to make, and it should always be the one that gives you more time doing what you love.

       I’ve given you all of this information, helped you decide to believe all of these things, and now here’s the punch line: it’s your choice. It’s completely up to you how this new year turns out. If you want something from your life, take it. I dare you to. I dare you to make this year wild and bright and full of passion. I dare you to see the fireworks everywhere you go, spitting and crackling and waiting to soar. I dare you to set them free. I dare you to start going and never look back.

       Love, 

          Mikela

       My challenge to the rest of you is to write your own letter. Before the New Year hits, decide not what you’re going to change but how you’re going to change it and why, and be sure to let yourself know what you decide. It’s good to hear yourself say it.

Little Lovelies

     It's a soft and quiet sunrise made just for your eyes. It's the taste of cocoa and the smell of old books and a cozy overcast sky. It's a peaceful evening on the lake or a bird in its first flight. It's smaller than beauty and softer than life and just enough to make you smile. It's a word all it's own, and one that the world is slowly allowing to die. But this word - "lovely" - is dear to my heart and I, for one, will keep it alive.

     There is something about lovely things that enchants me. The word describes something that quietly and unassumingly warms the human heart. Not as garish and vain as beauty, though beauty is just as good, but the little tiny wonders that reminds us that life is good. I think these things deserve to be recorded and shared because there is something magical about them. But more often they are the things that go unnoticed.

     So I am starting a new movement - and feel free to join me - that I'd like to call Project Lovely. Never again do I want to let a lovely thing pass me by without noting it in some way - most likely here, in my blog. Because it is the little lovelies of life that allow us to believe in life's goodness.

     And there is something else wonderful about the word lovely - it means something different for each person. Because "lovely" describes what is soft sunshine to your soul, and every soul is different. So please, share your little lovelies.

     So for my first little lovely, I'll tell you a story - it's a true one, I promise you that. I was driving down a small, little road, in the small little state of PA, passing rows of small, little houses covered in the colors of May. And no one else noticed and no one else cared but myself on that small, little day, to look to the side and see someone trying and succeeding in brightening our world. Just one of these many small houses I saw stuck out in a quiet, simple way. The front was covered in a blue, glass mosaic and depicted the world "Welcome" in a way that reminded me of a first-grader's letter to his mother - simple and sweet. And the pathway was lined with sunflowers high enough to touch my chin, and all of it was enough to make me believe I would find a true angel within. It wasn't quite pretty, but it was bright and it was kind, and it filled up my heart to the brim. And I thought that telling you might make you glad for the lovely little world we live in.

"Us"

     It's impossible to say who might read this. Architects, engineers, doctors, mothers, artists - who knows? My words will be the same no matter who reads them, but they will be understood differently or perhaps not understood at all, depending on whose eyes and hearts they touch. It is because we are different.

     That phrase seems to contradict itself; it seems the words "we" and "different" should not go together. But they do, because despite the fact that no one person is quite like another, we all have one thing in common, one thing that allows each individual "I" to fit into a universal "us." We are all human.

     I know, it's a real shocker, huh? Everyone who will ever read my words is human.

     I can imagine the great firsts who were tasked with naming the universe. Assigning a name means defining, capturing, shaping. After many years of slaving away at the art, I can imagine them finally leaning back in satisfaction and then realizing they were not quite done.

     "What about us?" And that mus have been the greatest task of all, to harness their own essence with a single word. They looked to define their essence to find the word; I look to define the word to find our essence.

     Human: it means a million things. It means crying on the hard days and laughing on the good ones and knowing the difference between the two. It means wishing on long-dead stars for people who won't live a tenth as long as they did. It means burning the toast and smelling the roses and having a heart.

     "Human" might mean imperfect and vulnerable. "I am only human." It might mean having compassion and charity, as in the words "humanitarian" or "humane". At any rate, it means our core is the same. You and I and everyone in the entire world can be encompassed into an "us". So hang on to your human, even if you don't always like it. Sometimes it's the only thing holding us together.

     I'm not really making sense, am I? That's part of being human, too; not always making sense. So because I am not just a "me" but also part of a "we", I expect you to understand me, or at least feel the truth of my words somewhere deep inside. Because my nonsense is scattered bits of my soul, and our souls are made of the same stuff. Human stuff.

Book Review #1: A Tale of Two Cities

     Hey everyone! So, I aspire to be a writer (do you like the slant rhyme? :)), and writing is already one of my hobbies. Specifically, I want to write novels. Probably because I love to read novels. I am addicted to stories. People say they don't have time to read; I make time to read. In a bad way, like "Let's just drop everything and read! It'll be great!" And it is, until I go to school the next day without any homework done. Oops. Reading is what I do when I'm in the mood to indulge, feel, relax. Writing is what I do when I'm in the mood to create, be poetic, put beauty into words.
     Anyway, I read a lot, and I try to read like a writer - read to find ways to improve my writing. In other words, I can be very critical. I'm not afraid to say I don't like a book, and I'm not afraid to say I'm in love with it. Because I read so much, I thought maybe I should just comment on the books I read - how I felt, what I liked, what I disliked, etc. Isn't that what blogs are for? Plus, I'm not very good at analyzing reading, so...you know... practice makes perfect and stuff. And then when my wonderful aunt (thank you Becky!) suggested I do book reviews, I decided to do it.
     I recently finished A Tale of Two Cities, which is probably one of my new favorites. Yeah, definitely. Written by Charles Dickens in 1859, it is undoubtedly an unforgettable, timeless classic. Perfect for my first book review :). I give it a PG.
     I read A Tale of Two Cities for my Honors English class - we could choose any classic to read for our last outside reading novel. Don't ask me why I chose it; it was probably divine inspiration. Because this book moved me. It begins with one of the most famous literary quotes of all time - "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" - and concludes with another - "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known." Isn't that powerful? I loved the ending. Which is saying something, because I am very picky about my endings. The ending wraps up the book, ties everything together, resolves everything. It is the sigh of relief or wonder or awe that every gasp, held breath, laugh, sob, and whisper throughout the book leads up to. Endings are important.
     The end of A Tale of Two Cities (and don't judge me for starting at the end; I'm just eccentric) was a true conclusion. And a terribly good one. Throughout the book there are so many characters and subplots and stories, and in the last couple chapters you realize that they are all connected and they all lead to one final ending. The connections are beautifully revealed through conversations, letters, etc. - the characters reveal them. I think using characters literally to tell the story is a sign of great writing.
     The very end of the book - the tying up of loose ends, the final conclusion, the finishing touch - is depicted by the words the dying character might have said if he could see the future. And that glimpse of the future is a glimpse of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel, because when the book ends, we are still stuck in the dreadful, sick, horrifying French Revolution where it seems there is no light at all. But the one man who is our hope, because he is selfless love and bravery and goodness midst a swirling, treacherous sea of evil and hatred and fear and revenge, gives us hope of a beautiful ocean soon to come before he is swept under the waves.
     A Tale of Two Cities is a story of fear, a story of anger, a story of pushing a person, or a whole people, to the breaking point until they are hardly even people in their thirst for revenge. But it begins and ends with the idea that love redeems. Even in the darkest of times, even in the most hopeless cases, even after the most scarring trials, love redeems.
    In short, A Tale of Two Cities is a story of the French Revolution. A time when a people starving for food and starving for freedom began to thirst for blood, a thirst that wasn't quenched until it had swallowed the very people that had began it. Dickens boldly captures the horror of the French Revolution and even emphasizes it by making it the center of the story. He leads up to it with beautifully sinister foreshadowing, he depicts it with sickening imagery and metaphor, he allows it to destroy everything innocent and good. Almost. Because then love steps in.
    I like the reality of the book. There are monsters out there. There is evil, there is horror, but above it all and redeeming it all is love. Love gave courage, love gave hope, love gave healing. I think that is the theme - love overcomes even the darkest of nights, saves even the most condemned of souls, redeems the most lost people. Love overcomes.
    I will admit, it was wordy. Dickens was paid by the word; we have to accept that it is going to be wordy. And at some points it was long and drawn out, but there weren't wasted words. A Tale of Two Cities is completely void of fluff. Every word and moment and action contributes to the plot and is necessary to the book.
     A strength of the book was characterization - there were so many characters, but every one of them was vividly depicted and unforgettable. Jerry, the Resurrection man with unconquerable, spiky hair; Charles, with his confidence and goodness and manners; Sydney, with his reckless manner and ruffled, careless appearance; Lucie, with her lovely personality and endearing expression on her forehead that appeared whenever she was confused or curious or really anything at all; Mr. Lorry, with his little brown wig; Mr. Stryver, with his shouldering in and out and of everything; Miss Pross, with her wild red hair; so many more. I'm telling you, every character was important at one point or another, and there were so many.
     Okay, now I'm just rambling. *Sigh*. This post had basically no structure and probably didn't make any sense, either. I'm much better at ranting about books I don't like. But I liked this book. In fact, I loved this book. I loved the fear in the imagery of foreshadowing, I loved the vibrant, lovable characters - and the vibrance of the evil, hated ones - I loved the weaving of so many characters into one huge plot, I loved the idea of love emerging and overcoming in the end. I don't care if it's wordy, I don't care if it's long, I don't care if it's hard - I'm sick of "hard" - you need to read this book. Because it will change your outlook on life and on love, and it will move your heart, and it will provoke your mind, and it will shake your soul.
          -Mikela

Letter to the World #3 - On Discouragement

Dear World,

It's been a while, hasn't it? Life gets busy this time of year, and I run out of time for everything else. But I have been inspired, so I want to tell you about it.

You know those times when it seems like the universe is trying to tell you a message? When the same couple of words keeps popping up in your head, in songs and speeches you hear, in conversations with other people. Well, lately I think the universe has been censuring me on my attitude. To be honest, I think God is the one censuring me, but for all of you atheists out there, we'll call it the universe.

It started at the beginning of this month, during General Conference. General Conference is a thing my church does twice a year in which the leaders of the church give talks on all sorts of spiritual topics. It ends up being about ten hours all together, and it's something I look forward to every April and October. The talks are always completely incredible and moving, but this time I heard the best talk on gratitude that I have ever heard in my life. It's called "Grateful in Any Circumstances" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf. You can check it out in the link, but I'll sum it up for you. It talked about literally having an attitude of gratitude - not just being grateful for things, but being grateful in all circumstances. That concept was a little hard for me to wrap my head around, but once I finally did, it changed my life. It means being happy no matter what, constantly looking to God - or the universe, if that's what you like - in gratitude, joy, and humility. It means never, ever being discouraged.

The theme of never being discouraged continued popping up throughout my month. Just a few days ago, I was talking to a couple of friends, one of which has had what seems to me as an incredibly difficult year. Through everything, I have been impressed and moved by how he never complains and always has a positive attitude. The epitome of this occurred in our conversation in which he was encouraging another friend of mine who was feeling down, but couldn't tell us quite why. He was simply discouraged.

The first friend told the second that when he is feeling discouraged, he makes himself feel bad about it. "Who am I to be discouraged, when I have so much?" he asks himself.

In my mind, if anyone has the right to be discouraged, it's him. But I'm not sure anyone has the right. I'm rather convinced, in fact, that being discouraged is not a right at all. It is not a pleasure, a reward, something deserved because of trying circumstances. If anything it is a disguised punishment we willingly give ourselves when we are already at our weakest. And it is also a choice.
The climax of these occurrences of the message of never being discouraged in my life happened this morning during church. One of the speakers gave an entire talk on not becoming discouraged. He said the germ of discouragement is in us, not our circumstances. "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." Our stars being our situations, fates, destinies, circumstances, trials. They are not what discourages us. We discourage ourselves by making the choice to allow it all to get to us, to focus on the negative, to see the half glass empty. The fault is in the one thing we can completely, absolutely control.

The climax of these occurrences of the message of never being discouraged in my life happened this morning during church. One of the speakers gave an entire talk on not becoming discouraged. He said the germ of discouragement is in us, not our circumstances. "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves." Our stars being our situations, fates, destinies, circumstances, trials. They are not what discourages us. We discourage ourselves by making the choice to allow it all to get to us, to focus on the negative, to see the half glass empty. The fault is in the one thing we can completely, absolutely control.

Isn't that relieving - isn't that encouraging? Discouragement is conquerable! It is not attached to misfortunes, it is not a side effect of being alive! It is within us, and it doesn't have to be! So there you go, world. You can be happy - and not just because I give you permission. Because that is your right, and it is something your are in full and complete power to give yourself, no matter your circumstances.
Sincerely,

Mikela

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